We celebrate Christmas in our house, but every year it's different. For a while I longed for predictability and consistency and set traditions just like I remember when I was growing up. Family dinner on Christmas Eve with one gift before and the rest after, midnight mass, and waking up on Christmas morning with gifts from Santa under the tree.
Those things did happen, but I know from pictures and from snippets in my memory that it wasn't really the same thing every year. We weren't always at home. Sometimes we were at one grandparent's house and sometimes at another's. There were other family members and friends there one year and not there the next. It wasn't the exact same thing.
But certain elements were predictable. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's the feelings I remember. When I was very young, there was the excitement and anticipation of Santa coming. The magic of it all, my brother and I overflowing with wonder as we tried to fall asleep. My mom and brother and I would take black olives from the relish tray and put them on each finger and then eat them off, and I felt so connected. I'd go to mass or church and feel the stirring of hope and of being part of something larger than myself. I think back on Christmas and I feel peace and love and contentment. Things were not perfect, but somehow those feelings were still there.
Now, in my various roles as mother and friend and co-worker and wife and daughter and in-law and... And with Pinterest and Facebook and constant connectivity... I've felt significantly less peace and love and contentment as we approach Christmas. I've felt a whole mess of things (and yes, I realize these feelings might not be rational but I'm working on just letting myself feel and not having to logic my way through everything). Here's a sampling. Note how one thought leads to another and I'm quickly in the fast-lane to the little-known Depressed Pole (it's way less festive than the North Pole):
Guilt over not decorating the house. What do the neighbors think? What would our family members think? Why is the garage still such a mess that I can't even get to the Christmas stuff? Why can't I get it together and decorate?
Frustration with myself for not sending out Christmas cards. Two years in a row of no cards. Surely we've been crossed off everyone's lists now.
Shame for not having time or not having made time to think or talk about or even begin Christmas shopping. Does this mean I'm really selfish and I'm not making time to care for others and get them a thoughtful gift? Am I a horrible person?
Stress about trying to sort out the details of our time in Kansas to make sure we can see everyone and no one feels slighted and we're distributing our time equally amongst friends and family.
Dread for the long, long drive to and from Kansas. Please let me find some patience and perhaps just one night of more than six hours of sleep between now and Friday.
Exhaustion from regularly working at least 14-hour days and still not being caught up at work. Self-doubt and frustration fit well here. Overwhelm. Not enough hours in the day. Not a lot of balance.
Sadness for not feeling happier.
Anger at everyone who seems to be managing better than I am.
Unpleasant, right?
But what if I could tolerate the distress, sit with the negative emotions, and find the peace and love and contentment? Because it's there. I can do hard things. I can find it. Sometimes I can find it right there on the camera.
Even in the midst of imperfection, there is so much good. When I let go of all my own freaking ridiculously high standards for myself, and my mind-reading about what I presume other people's expectations of me must be, I can see actual reality.
We're doing a countdown to Christmas. I guess that's an Advent calendar, right? So every night we open an envelope and discover within it our directions for our special activity that evening. It's usually last-minute (read: me scribbling something on an index card and slipping it into the envelope immediately before the kids open it), which allows us to be flexible. And so far it's pretty low-key stuff.
... Writing letters to Santa...
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| My favorite part of her letter to Santa? "I might like you." |
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| Santa wrote back! I didn't know the USPS did this! He even wrote her a note thanking her for each princess drawing. |
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| Gideon apparently wants a reindeer, a boat, and a hat. |
... "Snowy Mouth" which was a bit of a last-minute creative solution involving spraying Reddi Whip in each other's mouths...
... Making a Gingerbread House...
Tonight's envelope will have a bigger adventure - heading to MLS for the Santa Train, making reindeer food, face painting, and hot chocolate.
So maybe if I stop striving for perfection and nonstop Christmas cheer, I'll feel the peace and love and contentment. They're right here for the feeling. The kids have loved opening the envelopes and watching as we get closer to Christmas Eve. We've laughed and had Christmas dance parties and a build-a-snowman with bubbles bath and called the grandparents to sing Christmas carols. I've had peaceful, quiet drives to and from work, watching the sun rise and seeing the bright stars on the cold black sky. Peace, love, contentment.
Wishing you the same.
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