Everything changed, then changed again.

It's hard to find a friend.

At least now it is.

It wasn't always so. I never really thought I had any problems making friends throughout school and then the undergrad years. I have a handful of high school friends I'm still in touch with, and a handful of my college girls who I've vowed to see for an annual meet-up. My first three grad school years were in a lock-step program with a cohort of 13, and it was us against the world. We laughed, we cried, we learned to be clinical psychologists, and we spent pretty much every day of those three years with each other.

And then I thought a change would do me good. So we moved East.

I joined a cohort of 2 and had no classes with my fellow first year student. The population in my new grad program was tiny - which I was aiming for, but I didn't fully sort through the repercussions of it. Most people seemed to be from the area, completing their degrees at one of the many local schools and having those built-in friends and family ties pretty established.

So my first year, I dove in to school. I volunteered for extra work. I helped people with their research projects. I spent hours making the perfect powerpoint presentation. I got a puppy. I tried to have a party to make friends with the school kids, but it was only an average party in the end. It was rainy. Our apartment was small and underfurnished... I don't know. It just wasn't great.

My second year, I spent most of the time trying not to puke (pre-baby) and the rest of the time trying to function on very little sleep (post-baby). We bought a house and moved. Still had the dog and cat and now a baby, but not so much a good friend.

Now it's my third year. Life is settling back down after the excitement of last semester, and I feel myself settling in to this rut. The no friends rut. I like people at school. I get along with them at school. I think they're probably pretty awesome people away from school but I see them in that context maybe twice a year. I like people at Jonathan's work. I try to do some stuff with them... I went to a new mom's group and liked that and then I went back to school and almost everyone else stayed home. I like some of the moms from Evelyn's daycare class. I say hi to them on Facebook and at pickup and drop-off time. But that's about it.

Sitting at home most nights and most weekends, I try to come up with new and fun things Jonathan and Evelyn and I can do. Jonathan's going a little bit crazy with me asking him where he's going whenever he leaves the room. I'll admit I've become overly attached to my him as my husband and best friend. Without an intervention it could get downright dysfunctional.

But it's hard to find a friend. It was easy when I spent every day and night with the same people. It was easy before I had a dissertation to write, a baby to raise, a yard to rake.

I thought about joining a church just to get in on a small group because everyone and their cat seems to have some kind of small group thing happening these days. But then that's not really the best reason to join a church and I suspect I might not fit in if I roll up all Honest Abe and let them know that I'm just there for the potential friend-making benefits. Plus churches seem so homogeneous. And there's the whole issue of not really agreeing with everything that particular denomination or church or group is hip on believing. The complexity of the plan seems to outweigh the benefits. I need some kind of match.com for friendship. A friend blind date. I don't know...

I suppose I'll figure it out some day. I hope it's sooner rather than later. In the meantime, although I know I'm not alone, it's still pretty lonely.