Four Months.. and a soapbox?

Was she really so tiny?

Now we have this bright-eyed, babbling baby girl. This sometimes heavy baby girl. This baby girl who doesn't smile freely for anyone but her cousin Linus - which is okay because you feel quite privileged when she grants you a big gummy grin.

And we have us as parents. Some days we look at each other in amazement that we're here. We're parents? Responsible for helping this little person navigate her way through the world? We've had conversations about all sorts of things about her future - those "what if" things (... what if she falls in love with a complete jerk? ... what if her political leanings are completely opposed to ours? ... what if she's transgendered? ...) and we're on the same page, which is what really matters to us.

There's this quote that I like because I think it points us in the direction of our parenting philosophy*:

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
~Elizabeth Stone

I read it as a control issue. I remember in the first few days after coming home with Evelyn, when my milk wasn't in and I was dizzy from lack of sleep and I didn't know what was going on. I talked to my "Bradley Buddy" - a woman who took birth classes with our instructor and had her baby a year before me - and she reminded me that I wasn't in control of things. And that it was okay. I just had to realize it. If I was in control, Evelyn would have come out a champion nurser. No high bilirubin counts. Big enough that all the nurses didn't constantly say how tiny she was (note to the general public: people with babies on the smaller side or preemies generally don't like hearing how tiny their babies are... just say they're alert or beautiful or something and you might save the new, emotional mom a few tears). BUT I was not and am not in control of everything. And that's okay. Evelyn will grow and become herself. If I was in control, I'd want that growing to happen in a way that's just so. But I'm not in control.

I wonder if some of the "helicopter parenting" stuff comes from a desire to be more in control. Like, if I just enroll my kid in these lessons and get her into this preschool and arrange for her to have these playmates on playdates... And if I have these toys but not those and these clothes and this stroller and do this thing on this exact date... And if I take every single safety precaution all the time... THEN my child will turn out exactly as I want.

But doesn't that just create more stress? Because it's stressful to do it that way. I mean I understand it, because the massive weight of the media tells us to buy everything and do everything and plays on this underlying fear that we're not good enough and our parenting is not good enough - so worrying about every. single. thing. makes sense and comes kinda "naturally" in that way. Although it's not really natural at all. I think it's more stressful because you just end up with even MORE guilt and worry when things don't go exactly according to plan. What if you did everything as you "should" and your child gets hurt? Listens to Rush Limbaugh? Doesn't get straight As in school? Or [insert your fear here]? Well then it's awful because it's your fault. Because if you're in control of everything, then you're responsible for everything.

Does that make sense? I'm really just thinking as I type today. So I think that we've been alright so far about taking it easy on ourselves. And I hope that Evelyn is so many things - happy, confident, strong, well-loved. We will do our part to usher her through this business of growing up. We'll do our best not to beat ourselves up for something we did too much, or not enough, of at every turn. It's only been four months and I'm already writing this long-winded note-to-self, so I think I'll need to continually remind myself of these pieces of my parenting philosophy if I want to stay true.

* Seriously, a parenting philosophy. Like, written. Because I've got that therapist in me telling me that it's good to operate with a solid foundation in a few core beliefs that can help to guide me. And you don't expect me to actually remember things like core beliefs, do you? I think writing it down should be another part of my parenting philosophy.